Get Married & Start Your Family!

When I saw the titles Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen and Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies (both offered by Moody Publishers) I simply HAD to read them to know what their arguments were. I love a book that promotes thought and conversation and two such titles seemed almost too good to be true! Did I expect to agree with them? In part, yes, I did. I also anticipated the desire to pick them ruthlessly apart. They were pretty much exactly as I expected them both to be and I found them utterly fascinating.

In Get Married we meet author Candice Watters who was the epitome of the D.C. worker-on-Capital-Hill out to make a name for herself and change the world. She was pursuing an advanced degree so that she could make herself more effective in Washington when her professor said something that rocked her world. He said that the only way to truly make a difference in the world was to get married and have children.

At first, she found his advice almost repulsive. It was a new argument but the more she thought about it, the more she realized how accurate that statement was. The only way to truly effect change is to produce people who can effect change for generations to come. However, she wasn't married and this was somewhat problematic for her. It wasn't as if she didn't want to be married. It just "hadn't happened." Placing herself under a mentoring couple who also acted as matchmakers, she met Steve Watters and developed a friendship with him that eventually led to the alter.

The arguments in this book are pro marriage (if you couldn't figure that out) in a big way. She is arguing against the modern culture that would suggest that you, as a woman, should go forth, take on careers and "do it all" before you settle down with a man. Instead, she says that we should dismiss the world's arguments that marriage isn't for everyone and instead say something like this: marriage is for most people, it is not for a few. (Her arguments are reminiscent of the ones made in Getting Serious About Getting Married which I reviewed here, garnering a measly 66 inflamed comments. In fact, she quotes Maken in this book.) I agree with that statement on its face. Marriage is for most. It is not for a few. The problem with today's society is that it has devalued the gift, blessing and design of marriage. Instead of marriage being presented as a beautiful union which promotes freedom like you cannot image, it's likened to a ball and chain. People are encouraged to avoid it if at all possible. I think that's very sad and flies in the face of the created order God designed - marriage between one man and one woman, for life (with exceptions given for sinful matters, don't bite my head off) - and meant to bless us.

In relation to what women can do to better make that happen, she encourages the reader thus:

"While there is much we can do to sow good seeds and avoid sowing bad seeds, there is one essential aspect of marrying well we can't control -- the opportunities that come our way. That's why it's so important to seize those that do. A woman who's living like she's planning to marry will recognize four threats to good opportunities: procrastinating, aiming too high, hyperindependence, and avoiding risk." (page 133)

In short, the first step towards getting married is to say that you want to and live like you mean it.

For all intents and purposes, I did rather agree with this book. I just had a bit of a hard time with the delivery of the message. It was hard to hear the message around the "opinion" of Candice Watters. She felt so "right" that you just wanted to find something wrong with her, if you know what I mean. Some of the arguments came across as being harsh and I didn't think that served her purpose in writing the book very well. That said, she also acknowledges that she's a strong-willed individual. That definitely plays out in the book.

Start Your Family probably holds more arguments that I do not agree with than the first book did. It is written by Candice and her husband Steve which I did rather appreciate for two reasons: 1.) You get the man's perspective in this argument and 2.) Candice is a little more toned down which makes it easier to understand what is being said.

The thing I appreciated the most is how hard they worked to stress the fact that children are not a burden (though they are hard work!) so much as they are a blessing. Today's society completely devalues human life (in most forms and functions!) and having a book that stands up and declares that it is good to have children is very welcomed. Case in point (and this is kinda hard to believe, I know): when Jonathan and I were married we received a wedding card in which the person wrote that they thought the mandate to "be fruitful and multiply" was taken to extremes and interpreted incorrectly. They argued (in our wedding card!) that we should not be too hasty to have children, and certainly advised against having too many. (You may now collect your jaw from the floor.) Being that this person had no influence over our lives, we didn't take the advice to heart. Our position is that children are a treasure from the Lord and an extreme blessing. We had no expressed plans for children in any time frame or quantity, but we were perfectly happy to have them! And we still are! Now, our wedding card was written from one Christian to another which is rather pathetic given scriptures blatant statements of the blessing that comes from having children.

I think the Watters did a rather tremendous job of pointing out inaccurate information and fallacies in the arguments against procreation. I agreed with them wholeheartedly in all of their concerns. Overpopulation? (I would like to point out that the total world population is projected by CNN to be about 7 billion people by the year 2011. I would point you to this somewhat liberal article as to why it's not possible to use up all the earth's land space. We have room for more people, folks. You might argue resources are the issue, not landmass. I would say people are born and people also die on a daily basis. Birth rates are plummeting. People are using contraceptives and not having as many large families. I have yet to see a really good argument for overpopulation. Anyway, check those other articles out.)

They also hit on fears such as, "I don't want to bring children into this crazy world" and they deal with the money issue. Can you afford to have many children? On this part I don't really agree with them. They argue that children are worth the expense (and I agree!) but they argue that you can have as many children as you like and be in debt over them. On this I have a hard time agreeing. I know we live in an unstable economy and nothing is ever guaranteed. However, (and I am perfectly willing to say that this is just my own personal and very faulty opinion!) that there is a good argument to be made in factoring in the cost of having children. Let's say there was a family in poverty, living in a shack and the wife discovered she was pregnant with the 9th child. Part of me would be frustrated. Most of me would say - hey, they ARE married. They are purposing to raise their family up as best as possible. I can support that. Then I think of people like Nadya Suleman and I think to myself that there is something terribly wrong with an unmarried woman producing so many children that she can't take care of and expects the state to step in and support. Not a lot of thought. That bothers me. (That said, the children, once conceived, are live human beings (life!) and I would never under any circumstances suggest should be aborted.) I would just say that there is something to be said for having a stable home environment which presents adequate resources for raising healthy children. So I WOULD be cautious where money is concerned. I would personally think twice before planning to have a child when I couldn't afford to do, reasonably. I would not argue that it is wise to throw that argument out the window when deciding to procreate.

So. This book is interesting, yes? I could go on a bit more about it because I thought it provided a lot to think about and ponder. However, this could start to become too long.

Marriage is a blessing. So are children. Both ideas deserve some serious consideration and attention and if there are books that will cause us to grapple with both then I say, "Bring 'um on!" These are two such books.