Give Them Grace, by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

I seem to be spending a lot of time with parenting books lately. It must be something about the ages of four and two. Or maybe it's having two boys, and then having a girl around to show me exactly how much "boy" there is. Of course, it might perhaps just be the fact that we're parents and we have plenty to learn about parenting. Since becoming parents we have particularly seen the value of having an older couple (or an older woman in Titus 2 fashion) around to be able to ask advice of.

I must interject here that I've discovered it is a rare person who is willing to offer advice. We are very grateful and feel very blessed to have a few people who we know that we can safely trust with our parenting questions. At the same time, we recognize a distinct lack of willingness for people to offer parenting tips. I'm not sure whether or not there are time constraints or general fear attached to the giving of advice these days, but it is a huge pity and loss of sound counsel which will result in the next generation suffering in terms of wisdom. Including our own kids.

I guess in some senses I should not speculate too hard on why it is that experienced mothers aren't offering as much advice/insight when they are in possession of it. Everyone has their reasons, I assume. I also guess that I should be grateful there are parenting books to help the younger, less experienced parent, figuring things out in the privacy of their own home and on their own time.

At least there are books (right?) and one such (new) book is Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus which comes to us courtesy of Crossway Books. I had(/have?) mixed feelings about this book, in part because I wish I were having a face-to-face conversation with Fitzpatrick so that I could ask more questions. You can't really question a book, except for on a blog, and then you risk misrepresenting the author's intentions in a rather public way. Also, Fitzpatrick is writing this book as a now-grandparent who is done raising her own kids. She confesses that the method of parenting which she presents in this book was not practiced on her own children. She was more "law oriented" with her own kids (who are all now successful adults and Christians in their own right) but now that she has grandkids she is more "grace oriented" which I kind of find eyebrow raising and amusing. (Aren't grandparents typically more fond of grace?!) I should say straight up that the book is divided into two sections which I will generalize into branding "The Grace Section" and "The Law Section." I will also tell you that I'm more law-oriented and since she opened the book with The Grace Section I had a hard time getting into it. She does, however, balance out and includes the following quote in the book:

One can be addicted to either lawlessness or lawfulness. Theologically there is no difference since both break relationship with God, the giver. - Gerhard O. Forde

The general idea behind Give Them Grace is that we should parent the Gospel message to our kids. If you want them to love God and follow after Him, you must act as His representative and teach them who He is and how much He loves them through your own actions, rules, speech, etc. Fitzpatrick (and her daughter, Jessica Thompson) would say that you should emulate the love of God to your children. You do this by teaching that He has already paid the price of sin so that they can come to Him, understanding that they cannot be "good" in their own right but can rely on Him to help them learn obedience. This then would be proper parenting. In sending this message to your kids, you are also confessing your own sins and deficiencies (if you have any, that is - ha!) and they see you also relying on the grace of Jesus Christ. In all of this I cannot disagree. It definitely feels like a message that must be ingested to some extent and certainly does not come naturally. (Why? Because we do not live out the gospel message before all men all that easily.) It is true that without the help and saving grace of Jesus Christ we do not really have a chance at "success" in any area of life.

Fitzpatrick does speak directly to the parents attempting to manage the outward behavior of the children and directs the parent reader to look towards the child's heart. (This message would be familiar in a Shepherding Your Child's Heart sort of way.) She does not deny that management must be done - particular when it comes to small children. You want them to be safe. You need them to follow instructions. They need to learn to respect and obey authority figures (i.e., teachers, policemen, aunts and uncles included.) Yes, managing children is something every parent is called to do and this does sometime deal with just the outward behavior. ("Chew with your mouth closed." "Lift the toilet lid." "Close the toilet lid." "Say 'please'") She would just encourage the parent to recognize that chewing with one's mouth open is not a sin and when a child is deliberately disobedient you have a chance to teach them that Jesus' death on the cross already paid the debt for sin that they now owe and that He can help them to truly be obedient with a happy heart. (I'm paraphrasing a great deal here. I am also assuming that chewing with one's mouth open is not, in and of itself, a sin. I jest. Sort of.)

As I said, this is a book to ingest and I hardly feel qualified to be reviewing it. (Did I mention that my kids are only 0, 2 and 4?) I'm merely qualified to read this book and think about it! And I'm doing that. I'm thinking about it and we're talking about it around these parts.

One thing I rather appreciated "hearing" her say was that we cannot rely on our parenting skills or style to cause our children to want to follow after God. What we say and do, ultimately, does not dictate whether or not they will place their trust in God. Yes, we do have a responsibility and we should not ignore it, allowing our children run amuck and sigh, "Well, it's all in God's hands." But nor should we place a great emphasis on what we have done to ensure obedience.

"Our idolatry is a symptom of a deeper problem: unbelief. We raise our kids' success and our parenting techniques to the status of godhood because of our unbelief. We simply don't believe that God is good enough to entrust with our children's souls or that He's wise enough to know what will make us ultimately happy and satisfied. We have far too high a view of our ability to shape our children and far too low a view of God's love and trustworthiness. So we multiply techniques and try to control the outcome. We subconsciously hope that by our "righteousness," we will obligate God to make everything turn out the way we want. . . . Idolatry, like all sin, is devastating to the soul. It cuts us off from the comforts of grace, the peace of conscious, and the joy that is to be our strength." (page 57)

At the same time, I wrestle with this attitude that says (to me): "Regardless of whether or not you are faithful and obedient, God may very well choose not to reward that with a child who also believes in Him." Covenantally speaking, I believe that God will be faithful and that my children's children will believe. Then again, if I am perfectly willing to accept the goodness of God, must I also not be willing to accept undesirable outcomes as well? (Job 2:10) He is God. He is good. He knows better than I do or ever will. Regardless, obedience on my part is required. I must faithfully teach my children the gospel and so I have great sympathies for this book and appreciate the encouragement and direction it offers. It just feels like a lot of work somehow. I didn't think having children was supposed to be so much work! (Grin.)

Would you like a chance to wrestle with all of these thoughts as well? Perhaps you need to just as much as I do! I'm happy (ha?) to say that Crossway Books have offered up TWO copies of Give Them Grace to TWO Reading to Know readers. To enter the contest? Simply leave a comment below. This contest will be open through Tuesday, June 21st and is open to U.S. Residents only.

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED. THE WINNERS (as selected by Random.org) are #9 - Melissa @ Breath of Life and #22 - Rebecca

Thank you (I think) to Crossway Books for sending me a copy.